I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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