I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
