Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
