if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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