hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
