Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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