Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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