She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
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