i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize