Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
