Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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