i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
