Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
