I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
