: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dicks are not precious.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
