Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
