There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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