She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
