I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
