My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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