Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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