I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
