I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
