Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
