I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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