Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
