Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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