my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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