How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
