Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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