Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize