I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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