haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
