tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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