went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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