my vag is so smooth its legendary
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
