you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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