In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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