i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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