she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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