Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize