if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
