saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
