So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
