I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
