Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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