Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
