I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
