When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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