remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
