I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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