Sry I called you an 8
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
