I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
