I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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