i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
