All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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