That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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